you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
