she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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