her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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