I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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