I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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