i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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