If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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