I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
