I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
