that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
