So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
