So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
