I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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