i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
