am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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