Your face is a jimmy john
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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