New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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