I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
