By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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