So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
