so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
