remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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