I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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