You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Life without a bra equals bliss.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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