It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize