Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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