I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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