I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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