Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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