i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
