he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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