Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
