My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
