Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
