my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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