i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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