just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
