I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We smell like vodka and hangover
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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