Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize