I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
