Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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