you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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