I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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