I looked at my own cervix.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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