You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The feeling are messing with the penis
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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