what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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