i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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