I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
