i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
