My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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