oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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