note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
