Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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