I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
