good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
