overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
