he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
